Hello, my loves. I'm sorry I have been away for such a long time. The past five months have been incredibly difficult. And It didn't feel right, coming to a place that is supposed to be filled with love and drag it down with self-hate.
I think you guys deserve an explanation though. So here's what has happened the last few months.
In June, I graduated high school, WITH MY CLASS. I didn't think I would make it to graduation, I was behind on a few credits due to treatment my junior year. BUT, I DID IT. And I couldn't be more proud of myself for accomplishing such a thing.
After graduation, things slowly started to fall apart. I left my mothers house because I just couldn't handle the constant fighting and hating each other. So, I moved in with my brothers dad. That was going well for a short while. But, the guilt, and abandonment I was feeling, started to LITTERALLY eat me alive. I was what you would call a "non-functional human being". It was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to eat, to shower, to talk, to breathe... I admitted myself into St. Elisabeth's adult psych unit, because I was feeling so awful about life, I wanted to die... The day I was released, I felt worse than the day I went in. And that night I went to a movie with my best-friend, but we got into an argument and the night ended badly... I felt so absolutely alone, and unwanted and useless and just sad. That night.... I gave into the mean voices telling me how worthless and unlovable I was. On July 1st, I tried to commit suicide. And it almost worked... I took over 300 pills. I knew I was ready to die. The pain of living was getting too strong. I was confident in my decision. But, before I could go, I needed to say goodbye to one of the only people that stood by me and loved me for who I was. Broken pieces and all... I messaged Sarah Cleveland, said my goodbyes. and the next thing I remember was waking up from a three-day comma..... Sarah and Ben Cleveland saved my life. (Thank you. I love you both so very much). I spent about 2 weeks on the psych unit, so my body and mind could recover. For a few weeks after I was released from the hospital, things were very rough. the relationships I had built with people fell apart and even though we have mended these relationships, they will never be the same.
On July 24th, 2014, Arycellie Rose Grimes was born (: Looking back on all that I had gone through that month, being there for Ellie's birth was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed, and I am SO happy I was apart of such a breath taking moment.
In August, I went back to Aurora Psychiatric Hospital for my eating disorder (as it was getting out of hand, again). And then was released back into day treatment, but I felt so out of place there, that this past Thursday I quit.
On Saturday October 4th, 2014. Sarah and I had a "heart-to-heart" talk about my actions and the way we were communicating the past week and that conversation really got me thinking...
I've been messing up quite a bit lately and lashing out at all the wrong people and I have been spiraling out of control - into a storm of self-destruction... A little over a week ago, I saw the first man that raped me, he grabbed my shoulder and started to talk to me like nothing had ever happen between us... Since then (until I talked with Sarah) I let him run my life. I couldn't sleep, the nightmares were back and more intense than ever. And the flashbacks and body memories kept me from staying present in reality. I was letting him control me, and have power over me... But, no more. Sarah, thank you for reminding me of my purpose here. I have the words "I Belong To Me" tattooed on my body for a reason. It's time I start living by my motto, dontchya think? I do.
From this day forward, I belong to me, and he.... NO ONE can take that from me.
Shout out to Mrs. Sarah Cleveland:
Thank you for being you, you are such an incredible young woman and I can HONESTLY and LITTERALLY say, I would not be here, if it weren't for you. You are my inspiration. I love you. I couldn't (and don't want to) even imagine my life without you. "You see all my light. You accept all my dark". You're so damn important to me, and I cant thank you enough for loving me the way you have.
Ben, you too. Thank you for saving my life that day. You are quite the amazing man. And I love you. You barely knew who I was and you dropped everything to save my life. I cant thank you enough. <3
Recently, I've thought a lot about hurting myself... Even ending myself.. But, no more of that. I belong to me, not anorexia, not "him" or "them", not depression or anxiety. Not the flashbacks and nightmares or any part of this PTSD shit. NO. I belong to me.
My name is Arianna Rose Castro. My grave stone (when my time comes) will not say "she tried". It will say "she did". I will do great things. And so will you. Keep fighting my little butterflies <3 I love you. Don't be afraid to contact me, okay? I love each and everyone of you, and you are all important to me. You matter.
Don't forget to love yourself today. Eat yummy foods, watch your favorite movie, and spend time with the people you love.
I love you!(:
~Arianna Rose
I think you guys deserve an explanation though. So here's what has happened the last few months.
In June, I graduated high school, WITH MY CLASS. I didn't think I would make it to graduation, I was behind on a few credits due to treatment my junior year. BUT, I DID IT. And I couldn't be more proud of myself for accomplishing such a thing.
After graduation, things slowly started to fall apart. I left my mothers house because I just couldn't handle the constant fighting and hating each other. So, I moved in with my brothers dad. That was going well for a short while. But, the guilt, and abandonment I was feeling, started to LITTERALLY eat me alive. I was what you would call a "non-functional human being". It was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to eat, to shower, to talk, to breathe... I admitted myself into St. Elisabeth's adult psych unit, because I was feeling so awful about life, I wanted to die... The day I was released, I felt worse than the day I went in. And that night I went to a movie with my best-friend, but we got into an argument and the night ended badly... I felt so absolutely alone, and unwanted and useless and just sad. That night.... I gave into the mean voices telling me how worthless and unlovable I was. On July 1st, I tried to commit suicide. And it almost worked... I took over 300 pills. I knew I was ready to die. The pain of living was getting too strong. I was confident in my decision. But, before I could go, I needed to say goodbye to one of the only people that stood by me and loved me for who I was. Broken pieces and all... I messaged Sarah Cleveland, said my goodbyes. and the next thing I remember was waking up from a three-day comma..... Sarah and Ben Cleveland saved my life. (Thank you. I love you both so very much). I spent about 2 weeks on the psych unit, so my body and mind could recover. For a few weeks after I was released from the hospital, things were very rough. the relationships I had built with people fell apart and even though we have mended these relationships, they will never be the same.
On July 24th, 2014, Arycellie Rose Grimes was born (: Looking back on all that I had gone through that month, being there for Ellie's birth was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed, and I am SO happy I was apart of such a breath taking moment.
In August, I went back to Aurora Psychiatric Hospital for my eating disorder (as it was getting out of hand, again). And then was released back into day treatment, but I felt so out of place there, that this past Thursday I quit.
On Saturday October 4th, 2014. Sarah and I had a "heart-to-heart" talk about my actions and the way we were communicating the past week and that conversation really got me thinking...
I've been messing up quite a bit lately and lashing out at all the wrong people and I have been spiraling out of control - into a storm of self-destruction... A little over a week ago, I saw the first man that raped me, he grabbed my shoulder and started to talk to me like nothing had ever happen between us... Since then (until I talked with Sarah) I let him run my life. I couldn't sleep, the nightmares were back and more intense than ever. And the flashbacks and body memories kept me from staying present in reality. I was letting him control me, and have power over me... But, no more. Sarah, thank you for reminding me of my purpose here. I have the words "I Belong To Me" tattooed on my body for a reason. It's time I start living by my motto, dontchya think? I do.
From this day forward, I belong to me, and he.... NO ONE can take that from me.
Shout out to Mrs. Sarah Cleveland:
Thank you for being you, you are such an incredible young woman and I can HONESTLY and LITTERALLY say, I would not be here, if it weren't for you. You are my inspiration. I love you. I couldn't (and don't want to) even imagine my life without you. "You see all my light. You accept all my dark". You're so damn important to me, and I cant thank you enough for loving me the way you have.
Ben, you too. Thank you for saving my life that day. You are quite the amazing man. And I love you. You barely knew who I was and you dropped everything to save my life. I cant thank you enough. <3
Recently, I've thought a lot about hurting myself... Even ending myself.. But, no more of that. I belong to me, not anorexia, not "him" or "them", not depression or anxiety. Not the flashbacks and nightmares or any part of this PTSD shit. NO. I belong to me.
My name is Arianna Rose Castro. My grave stone (when my time comes) will not say "she tried". It will say "she did". I will do great things. And so will you. Keep fighting my little butterflies <3 I love you. Don't be afraid to contact me, okay? I love each and everyone of you, and you are all important to me. You matter.
Don't forget to love yourself today. Eat yummy foods, watch your favorite movie, and spend time with the people you love.
I love you!(:
~Arianna Rose