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You Have Survived <3Anonymous
Current age: 37 When I was 19, I was raped by my boyfriend. We had been dating several months, and being typical college students, our weekends typically revolved around drinking. On that day, my roommates were out for night and it was just he and I. We had been drinking a lot. At one point, we ended up in my room and things had progressed to a point that I was no longer comfortable with. I kept verbalizing reasons why he needed to stop: my roommates could come home at any time, I was on the verge of passing out, and I didn’t feeling well. He didn’t stop. Eventually, I just let things happen because I was tired of resisting. I felt completely overpowered and broken down. Afterwards, he cried and told me he was sorry and that he “just couldn’t stop himself” and he talked about his issues with alcohol. Within a couple of days, I accepted his apology but felt sick on the inside. I had a friend whose dad was the head of campus security and I knew I could report this easily, but there was this little voice inside that kept me from telling. I felt like I would ruin his life if I told anyone. Somehow, it felt like my experience wasn’t as bad as other victims because I was dating him. And I stayed with him. The worst part was that just a few days later it seemed like he had forgotten all about it. It was as if he thought it was just a drunken mistake and no big deal. Meanwhile, I was reliving this experience over and over and walking around with this awful secret. A few months down the road, we did break up. From then on, I was in several bad relationships and made some really stupid decisions. I even dated his friend, who I didn’t even like very much because I think I wanted a way hurt him back. Since this experience, I have a difficult time trusting people, especially people close to me. I also felt a lot of shame and guilt for “letting” this happen to me and for not leaving him right away. I don’t think about this experience every day anymore. Although I have overcome much of the shame and guilt, to this day, I have told pretty much no one about this event. I kind of feel like part of me shut down that day and I’m not sure it’s ever coming back. Anonymous
Current age - 20 When I was 9 years old, my aunt and her boyfriend were always hanging out with our family. We would do everything together from camping to cook outs to going to hang out at the YMCA for the day. I didn't think things could be much better than that. My sister had a birthday party at our house when she turned 8 so of course were going to invite our family to spend the day with us. Everything was going great until the boyfriend, my sister, my cousin and I were in the house. Everyone else was outside eating burgers except the 4 of us. We were wrestling in the living room until my sister had to go blow out the candles on her cake. At that point, everything started to happen. My cousin and sister went outside and it was just my aunt’s boyfriend and I in the living room. Being 9 years old, I'm going to continue wrestling with him. He then started wrestling a little rougher than before and "touching" me where I didn't think was appropriate. I had asked him to please stop and he refused. For a good 10 minutes, we continued to wrestle. Finally I said, “I really have to go to the bathroom.” He finally let me leave and I ran outside immediately. I never told anyone because first of all I was only 9, and second of all, I didn't want our family to separate. It was my sister’s birthday and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. Throughout the rest of the day, he kept winking and smiling at me every time I walked by him. A year later, my mom and I pull in our driveway and as I go to get out of the car she says to me, "Shut your door. I have to talk to you before you go in the house." I shut the door thinking oh no, I'm in trouble now. She says to me, your cousin’s dad called me saying that the boyfriend had done inappropriate stuff to her and wanted to see if anything happened to me in the past that I remember. I think about it for a while and the incident comes back to me about my sister’s birthday party. I explain to her what happened and at that point, everything turned. She called her dad back and repeated what I said. Police got involved and next thing I know, our family is broken apart. My aunt doesn't want me to be a part of her family anymore. Now I feel really bad. I get interviewed about what happened and go to court. When the judge said that the boyfriend wasn't going to be charged, I felt like I failed. If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't be where I am today. A year later, I find out that the boyfriend had done some things to my cousin far worse than what had happened to me. He would take her to an abandoned house and park his truck behind it. Then, things would happen that my cousin had no control over. She was threatened that if she told anyone, the boyfriend would leave her mom and it would be her fault. She didn’t want to be the reason her mom was depressed, therefor she never told. He would buy her all kinds of goodies. Whatever she wanted, he would buy it so she wouldn’t tell her mom. This went on for a while until it suddenly stopped. He felt comfortable that my cousin wouldn’t tell so he felt he didn’t have to buy her anything anymore. After school one day, her and her friends were outside playing. The boyfriend called her into the house alone. She had no choice. She went in the house and he locked the doors. About a half hour later, she came back outside and her friends could tell something had happened. She told her friend what had happened at school the next day. Her friend went to the office and explained what she had heard. They called my cousin down to the office and she wouldn’t admit to any of it. Then, something struck her and she knew that the office knew what her friend had told her. She admitted to it and said everything that had happened. When her mom found out, she wouldn’t allow my cousin to say anything. My cousin was kicked out of her house and wasn’t allowed to talk to her mom anymore. I was the only person who supported her through the whole thing and I’m also the only one she knows she can trust. It turns out that what happened to me, also happened to my cousin, I just said something soon enough and ended it. This event has made a big impact on my life. Having the support from my family made everything easier for me. I didn’t have depression and I also didn’t have to go to counseling. My cousin, not having the support I did, still gets counseling. She’s suffered severe depression, cut her wrists and threatened to kill herself. I would get phone calls at 1 in the morning with her crying to me because she couldn’t do it anymore. She would say her goodbyes to me and hang up. I called her back immediately and explained to her that she does deserve to live and everything that happened for a reason. Only the strong ones will make it through and obviously you’re strong enough to do it. We’ve both become a lot stronger and take pride in ourselves for what we did. We never gave up, it took 8 years to get this guy sentenced, and he’s now sitting in a prison where he belongs. I’ve become a lot stronger as a person after this situation. Now, I’m able to talk to a lot of people about different situations, and give them support as well. I wouldn’t necessarily say I was abused anymore; I look at myself more as the go to for my cousin through this all. I’ve helped her in so many ways, and I’m proud of myself for that. I’m currently going to school for Human Services and Psychology, as I see myself working with kids in the future. I want to be able to help others that have gone through tragic experiences, and let them know that everything will be ok in the end. They may look down upon themselves at that time, but they are strong, and have no reason to give up. |
You Have Survived <3Kelyn N
Current age: 53 I attended a conference where Arianna spoke, and I was blown away at her courage! I was sexually abused by a stepfather from the age of 4 to age 10. My mother left, and abandoned my brother, age 3, and myself, age 2. She left because my father was suffering from PTSD, he was a mailman driving a mail truck and accidently ran over and killed a 3 yr-old girl with his mail truck. It was ruled a total accident, but my Daddy was devastated. He so loved children, he was heartbroken. He could no longer be a mailman, and started to drink to ease his pain (alcoholism is in the family, so not surprising he turned to drink.) My daddy tried hard to get over what he did, but had a lot of trouble. So my mother bailed. My dad had sole custody of my brother and me from the age of (me) 2 to 7.When I was 7 years old my dad remarried. She was a Jekyll and Hyde personality. At first she liked my brother and me, but totally turned once she had a son with my dad, in 1969. Then he was the focus of attention. And I played along, loved my little brother. But my stepmother did not get along with my older brother. She did not like him, he did not like her. Me? My stepmother sewed dresses for me in my kindergarten, first grade, early 70's. Loaned me her jewelry for class photos. But at the same time she was verbally and emotionally abusive. While I learned to get out of her way when she was pissed off, my older brother did not. He would argue and fight with her, and she was tougher than him. The end came when my stepmother was fighting with my brother and she physical threw him down the back stairs of out house, and told him to never come back. He went to live with my mother. My dad just rolled over to my stepmother's will. MEANWHILE, my mother remarried. My 'stepfather' was a pedophile. Targeted me at four years old. Made me hold his private parts. No clue at that age that anything was wrong. This continued. My mother was totally checked out. She was only concerned with her social life. My dad and stepmother had custody of me. No sexual abuse on that side, just emotional abuse from my stepmother. Ok, as far as the sexual abuse, starting at age four, I knew nothing and thought this was normal, even though I was always uncomfortable. As I got older, I got stronger. My abusive stepfather would pick the lock on the bathroom door in order to come into the bathroom while I was in the shower. Guess what? I would YELL "YOU CAN'T BE IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME!! And he would slink away. BUT, my mother never had a clue, totally in denial. To this day. Anonymous
Currently, I'm 17. At the time of my sexual abuse I was 15. One summer day, I went to a friend's house. I had to walk home so I put on some music and proceeded home down the backroads from her house to mine. As I was walking, I only heard the music and wasn't aware of anyone's presence until I felt a hand on my right shoulder. As I swung my arm back, I pulled one ear Bud out to see who it was. In front of me was an unfamiliar adult male who was much larger than my 95 lb body. He tells he likes red heads and pulls away the second ear Bud. The next thing I remember is being on the ground with his knees pressed against my body. I was kicking and pushing, trying to break away. He saw my self harm scars and cuts and told me, "I can make you feel loved," and attempted to take advantage of me. He pulls my shirt up and slides his hand to my chest. Him being such a large, muscular man I was struggling to break free. I screamed for him to stop and repeating, "NO!" When I felt his hand on my bare chest I began to shake so much more. Attempting to take my pants off, he tells me, "Shh. It's okay. You'll feel great!" I'm struggling to kick him in sensitive areas. After awhile of fighting, I kicked and punched hard enough, I was exhausted. I hadn't eaten in 2 days. I was weak. I finally broke free with no other skin to skin contact. Seeing as only my chest was fully touched without clothing, I didn't tell anyone. I told myself, "You can't tell anyone. You weren't fully raped." Here I am, 2 years later, still affected by this. During many of my anxiety attacks and flashbacks I see his face. I hear his voice. I start to scratch my body and shake. When I feel human contact I jump now. When I meet a new adult male, I'm afraid. I hardly speak to them. I don't feel comfortable in their presence. Even though I do have a boyfriend, sometimes I can't have him hug me. He respects it and understands. I feel bad sometimes that my past affects how I am with my boyfriend. I'm the same with my mom's boyfriend even though he's pretty cool. My sexual harassment affected me because I can't be near a male adult or taller males. My own boyfriend is 6 foot 3 or 4 (I am 4 foot 11) but I am strong enough to know he's not my abuser and that he knows very well I can distance myself and mean no offense. It has affected how I feel about myself. I was touched. I feel dirty. I feel violated. I feel scared. I wake up in anxiety attacks sweating in my bed trying to force the blankets away from me. 2 years later and I still struggle. I still self harm when I get these flashbacks. Being in therapy, I get support, but I haven't told her this story and I don't plan too. I'm afraid she will act on it and it was 2 yeas ago. I told Arianna, the maker of this page, about this event during lunch the day after I self harmed to a major dream and multiple flashbacks that day and she is why I'm writing this. She understands and made me feel okay enough to post. Although I'm remaining anonymous because I don't trust enough people to post my story with my name, I still hope this inspires at least ONE other person. Heather H.
I am currently 19 years old. I was about 13-14 years old when the abuse started, and it lasted for 6 years. My abuser was the man who created me. My abuser was my father... Every day when I would come home from school or work he would go into him room, put pajamas on and sit on the couch by me with a blanket and start touching me in inappropriate places, while pleasuring himself... There were multiple occasions where he would get on top of me and try to have intercourse with me, but I was always able to get up and escape from that. I stopped him by saying 'no' and getting him off of me.. He would threaten me by saying that if I ever told on him or got him put in jail he would hurt me or kill me. He threatened me all the time by saying if he had a gun he would shoot me, or he would burn down the house with me sititng in it.... I was always really scared of him that's why it took me so long to say something to someone... He was serious about what he said so I didn't want that to happen so I never told anyone...It was very difficult to live with. The abuse has affected my life because this was my father that did this too me. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me. I will always be heartbroken when I think about what happened and how long it went on. I'll be honest, I do still love my dad just for the fact that he's my father. It has also affected my life because I won't ever be able to trust any body ever again. I won't be able to have a relationship with someone, without worrying if I am going to be taken advantage of again. It has affected me mentally because everytime I think about what happened, I think that I did something to cause this to happen to me. The abuse has changed how I view myself because I used to be a positive person and now I've been really depressed. I feel like this is all my fault.. like I did something to deserve this.. I think that others are going to look at me differently when they find out what happened because they will think it's a joke or they will think that I did something to deserve this which I didn't. People are going to look at me differently because of my low self esteem, because of my depression from this situation and because it took so many years for me to finally say something to someone. Today I am doing good. I still have flashbacks of the situation all the time but other than that I am doing good. I have had a great support system supporting me through all this. I still have times where I think about my dad and how I miss him because I lived with him almost all of my life. I am trying to stay positive day by day. Sabrina A.
I'm 16 years old right now, almost 17. I was 12 years old when it happened. I did know my abuser, he was on my bus and at my school. He still goes to our school. I don't remember most of it, but we were in the bus line and me and 2 of my friends were with him. And he said we should play a "game" with him so we said sure. And then he started touching us. In places we didn't like and it happened for a while until we finally realized that this wasn't good for any of us. We went to the guidance office and he got in trouble. It's changed the way I think about other people and how the act around me. If people touch me, even on the hand, I start to freak out. I feel dirty and I start wiping my skin away. Sometimes I have flashbacks and those are ten times worse then when it actually happened. I'm doing ok I mean it still affects me after 4 years but I'm doing ok. Dori J.
Current age- 17 So I was sexual abused in early November by a boyfriend, of like 24 hours. The night was going great at first. We were on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend, we decided to do a movie night at my bf's house. He had to go to his room for something and I didn't want to third wheel so I followed him.... I was sitting on his bed and we were talking and he leaned over to kiss me. (I was ok with the kissing) But one thing led to another and next thing I knew he was on top of me trying to put his hand down my pants....I can't tell you how many times I tried removing it and telling him no but he just didn't listen. It got exhausting how many times I tried to make him stop but he wouldn't so I just gave in and let it happen....He got in my pants and was proceeded to ask if he should get a condom and I said no numerous times. He proceeded not to listen to me and tried putting it in...he almost did... at that point I tried pushing him off of me but because he was a good foot taller than me and had roughly 90 lbs on me you can assume I was struggling....I got up though, put my clothes on and tried walking out. But he scooped me up like nothing bad had happened and carried me to the couch to finish watching the movie we had all started. I sat there in his arms because he wouldn't let me go until I had to leave. He was bragging to his guy friend that he "got some". I was pissed. like you don't get to do that. That's not fair. It involved me, and I wasn't ok with telling people. He thought he was soo cool because of it, and then proceeded to call me puddles....he made me bleed...it wasn't because i enjoyed it... After I left I went home and cried...I didn't understand how someone couldn't understand that no ment no. I'm so glad I got out of that relationship when I did. He said it was because he was so excited that I said yes, and he couldn't control himself and if we went back out it wouldn't happen again, but i told him there would never be a us again. |