I have been feeling quite muddled lately, and this amount of confusion about life is tearing at my confidence. Two weeks ago I was ready to tackle ANYTHING life had to throw at me... But, the last few days have been absolutely horrid. Yesterday, I fell apart. I felt hopeless and worthless. The logical side of my brain was clouded by the deep emotions I was feeling. I was overwhelmed by sadness, and I let myself become consumed by the "icky feelings" that came along with the flashbacks and memories of the abuse. On days like yesterday, I crumble. Looking at my reflection in the mirror becomes a chore rather than something that is 'just apart of the day'. I was feeling so defeated and trapped. I needed comfort. Being at school, I couldn't run to my room, grab my blanket and go to sleep, and Cassie wasn't there. So, I reached for the safest "thing" I have in that building. I ran up to Mrs. Cleveland's room and asked her to hug me. And she did. I immediately felt 300 times better. I love being in her presence, she makes me feel safe. And to be completely honest... She's pretty hilarious and when I am around her, I cant help but laugh until I get side cramps! After a good "talk" with her, I felt better. I was able to stand a little taller, and breathe a little lighter. Thank you, Cleveland <3 It's the little things that make me want to keep fighting.
Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday, because I needed that hour to say what I felt without having to 'beat around the bush' in fear of' crossing a certain line with others. It was definitely NOT a 'light' session. It started with tears and ended that exact same way. And towards the end it got complicated. She was highly concerned about my safety... I expressed to her the amount of pain I was in and how self destructive I had been feeling. I told her that my suicidal thoughts we VERY strong at the moment. And after that was said, we got into an 'argument'. She did not want to let me leave her office... But, she was brave and after talking some more, she trusted me enough to leave.
Suicide is something that crosses my mind a lot. But, lately the idea of leaving this world by my own hands, scares me... I often WANT to die, but I can't. I WONT. I LOVE the people in my life and I want to keep loving those people. I love to love the people I care about. I want to talk with Cleveland every morning, hug my best friend and I want to be here to meet baby Ellie. <3 I love the way it feels to hug someone special to me. I love telling those special people that I love them.
I don't want to die... No? Maybe not.. I want the bad things that sit in my head, to leave. I want that.
I am still feeling very down, but breathing doesn't hurt.
This world is crazy. I know. Yesterday, while I was seeking advice from a friend, she said: "Life is like a race. If you fall and scrape your knee do you stop and just sit there? No. No, you don't. You acknowledge the wound, then you get up and continue to push forward".
There are always going to be things standing in front of you blocking your eyes from seeing the 'light' that shines before you, but keep moving forward. If you need to sit and take a deep breath, then do that! It's okay to be sad, but don't let the sadness consume you.
This week had been a bit crazy, but it will get better. I will make it better. <3
I love you (: Stay Tough!
~ Arianna
Thankfully, I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday, because I needed that hour to say what I felt without having to 'beat around the bush' in fear of' crossing a certain line with others. It was definitely NOT a 'light' session. It started with tears and ended that exact same way. And towards the end it got complicated. She was highly concerned about my safety... I expressed to her the amount of pain I was in and how self destructive I had been feeling. I told her that my suicidal thoughts we VERY strong at the moment. And after that was said, we got into an 'argument'. She did not want to let me leave her office... But, she was brave and after talking some more, she trusted me enough to leave.
Suicide is something that crosses my mind a lot. But, lately the idea of leaving this world by my own hands, scares me... I often WANT to die, but I can't. I WONT. I LOVE the people in my life and I want to keep loving those people. I love to love the people I care about. I want to talk with Cleveland every morning, hug my best friend and I want to be here to meet baby Ellie. <3 I love the way it feels to hug someone special to me. I love telling those special people that I love them.
I don't want to die... No? Maybe not.. I want the bad things that sit in my head, to leave. I want that.
I am still feeling very down, but breathing doesn't hurt.
This world is crazy. I know. Yesterday, while I was seeking advice from a friend, she said: "Life is like a race. If you fall and scrape your knee do you stop and just sit there? No. No, you don't. You acknowledge the wound, then you get up and continue to push forward".
There are always going to be things standing in front of you blocking your eyes from seeing the 'light' that shines before you, but keep moving forward. If you need to sit and take a deep breath, then do that! It's okay to be sad, but don't let the sadness consume you.
This week had been a bit crazy, but it will get better. I will make it better. <3
I love you (: Stay Tough!
~ Arianna