I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot.
I know that is no excuse for my absence.. Please forgive me.
I can't seem to get a firm grip on reality. I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. I'm trying to be strong but I'm falling apart... I've been trying to ignore all the pain I'm feeling. I've chosen not to talk about it at all, even with my best friend. (I tell her everything). I guess, I just didn't want to deal with it. I just want all of this to go away. And it isn't going to go away by ignoring it. I HAVE to talk about it. I know this.. What was I doing?
My head is fuzzy. My thoughts aren't making any sense. And all of my pain is coming out as anger.
In the past couple months I've let the memories of my past control almost every move I make. And in trying to fight back, I've been taking risks that I KNOW I shouldn't.
I haven't felt this ashamed of my body, my past, and who I am since... I don't know...
And I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed, right?
I've had too many sleepless nights, too many nightmares and too many flashbacks.. I don't know why this is happening, but I cant keep doing this..
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...
What value do I bring to this world?
What is my purpose?
I have been really struggling with my self worth. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.. I'm trying to love the people around me who are hurting, but I'm not sure I'm even doing that right... I'm so sorry..
At the moment I am relapsing in every part of my recovery. At first I didn't realize it, but, now I do. And I'm trying to fix it.
I've caught myself fighting with the people I love for NO reason. I have been giving into what my eating disorder wants, not what Arianna wants. I gave into my self harm urges this week for the first time in months. I've been sent home from work because I cant keep my composure... I am a mess right now, and I hate myself for it. Yesterday, and so far today, I have spent the majority of the hours I've been awake, sobbing. I cried for FIVE straight hours yesterday. I fell asleep because I was so exhausted from crying.. That's not how I am supposed to be living...
I feel so vile and wrong right now. It's eating me alive...
Yesterday, I felt genuinely suicidal. I wanted it. I was craving death. I picked up the giraffe my best friend got me for valentines day, hugged it tight and cried.. Eventually, I stopped crying. But, I felt so awful for thinking about doing something as crazy as taking my own life, I started to cry again...
I've been up since about four this morning and all I've been thinking about is who I am and who I want to be. I know I don't want to be someone who is defined by her pain and by her past. I want to live without fear. I want to feel peace inside of me. I've written pages and pages of things I have to live for... My purpose...
Here's what I've come up with:
My purpose is to be myself and show people that even though life is hard and sometimes we go through things we shouldn't, if we keep fighting, we can make it. We can make it to happiness and bliss.
Sometimes I go blind to the beauty around me. But, when I look at the people who suffocate me with love, I'm reminded of the beauty in this world.. As I am sitting here writing this I cant stop thinking about how much I want to hug my best friend, how much I want to hear her laugh..
Dear best friend,
"I like you.
Girl, you don't got nothin to prove to me.
I know that times have been rough for the both of us.
But, I'll pray for a change.
You see, this world has lots to offer, but in time it will go dark.
And if this love is what we say it is, I'm sure we will go far."
(hummingbird - nsn)
I'm sorry I've let the things in my head take over so much. Thank you for not giving up on me, I love you. Thank you for being my saving grace.
Love,
Arianna
There is so much I want to do with my life, I need to stop letting the negative things I feel knock me down.
This isn't easy. This whole recovery thing... But, I know it will be worth it.
I wont stop fighting.
I wont.
I'm sorry I have been such a wreck lately. I will be stronger.
Things have been difficult. But, I want to be okay. I will get better. I will move past this.
I know it's going to take lots of hard work and time.
I cant promise I will always be positive. I can't promise that I will never feel like a failure or a complete let down. I cant promise that I will always be strong. I cant promise you will always know how much I am struggling.
But, I promise I wont give up. I wont give in.
I've been feeling really ashamed of how I've been feeling, which is wrong. My feelings and my emotions are valid and they matter. Just as yours do. It's going to be okay. It will be.
I love you.
I know that is no excuse for my absence.. Please forgive me.
I can't seem to get a firm grip on reality. I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. I'm trying to be strong but I'm falling apart... I've been trying to ignore all the pain I'm feeling. I've chosen not to talk about it at all, even with my best friend. (I tell her everything). I guess, I just didn't want to deal with it. I just want all of this to go away. And it isn't going to go away by ignoring it. I HAVE to talk about it. I know this.. What was I doing?
My head is fuzzy. My thoughts aren't making any sense. And all of my pain is coming out as anger.
In the past couple months I've let the memories of my past control almost every move I make. And in trying to fight back, I've been taking risks that I KNOW I shouldn't.
I haven't felt this ashamed of my body, my past, and who I am since... I don't know...
And I SHOULDN'T feel ashamed, right?
I've had too many sleepless nights, too many nightmares and too many flashbacks.. I don't know why this is happening, but I cant keep doing this..
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...
What value do I bring to this world?
What is my purpose?
I have been really struggling with my self worth. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.. I'm trying to love the people around me who are hurting, but I'm not sure I'm even doing that right... I'm so sorry..
At the moment I am relapsing in every part of my recovery. At first I didn't realize it, but, now I do. And I'm trying to fix it.
I've caught myself fighting with the people I love for NO reason. I have been giving into what my eating disorder wants, not what Arianna wants. I gave into my self harm urges this week for the first time in months. I've been sent home from work because I cant keep my composure... I am a mess right now, and I hate myself for it. Yesterday, and so far today, I have spent the majority of the hours I've been awake, sobbing. I cried for FIVE straight hours yesterday. I fell asleep because I was so exhausted from crying.. That's not how I am supposed to be living...
I feel so vile and wrong right now. It's eating me alive...
Yesterday, I felt genuinely suicidal. I wanted it. I was craving death. I picked up the giraffe my best friend got me for valentines day, hugged it tight and cried.. Eventually, I stopped crying. But, I felt so awful for thinking about doing something as crazy as taking my own life, I started to cry again...
I've been up since about four this morning and all I've been thinking about is who I am and who I want to be. I know I don't want to be someone who is defined by her pain and by her past. I want to live without fear. I want to feel peace inside of me. I've written pages and pages of things I have to live for... My purpose...
Here's what I've come up with:
My purpose is to be myself and show people that even though life is hard and sometimes we go through things we shouldn't, if we keep fighting, we can make it. We can make it to happiness and bliss.
Sometimes I go blind to the beauty around me. But, when I look at the people who suffocate me with love, I'm reminded of the beauty in this world.. As I am sitting here writing this I cant stop thinking about how much I want to hug my best friend, how much I want to hear her laugh..
Dear best friend,
"I like you.
Girl, you don't got nothin to prove to me.
I know that times have been rough for the both of us.
But, I'll pray for a change.
You see, this world has lots to offer, but in time it will go dark.
And if this love is what we say it is, I'm sure we will go far."
(hummingbird - nsn)
I'm sorry I've let the things in my head take over so much. Thank you for not giving up on me, I love you. Thank you for being my saving grace.
Love,
Arianna
There is so much I want to do with my life, I need to stop letting the negative things I feel knock me down.
This isn't easy. This whole recovery thing... But, I know it will be worth it.
I wont stop fighting.
I wont.
I'm sorry I have been such a wreck lately. I will be stronger.
Things have been difficult. But, I want to be okay. I will get better. I will move past this.
I know it's going to take lots of hard work and time.
I cant promise I will always be positive. I can't promise that I will never feel like a failure or a complete let down. I cant promise that I will always be strong. I cant promise you will always know how much I am struggling.
But, I promise I wont give up. I wont give in.
I've been feeling really ashamed of how I've been feeling, which is wrong. My feelings and my emotions are valid and they matter. Just as yours do. It's going to be okay. It will be.
I love you.